I wish I was one of those people who just didn't think ....lol... someone's who's biggest worry is a chip in their nail polish. No, but really....Last night was another night of too much thought and too little sleep. I hate the fact that I have to sedate myself to get any real sleep. I lay awake and worry, I'm so damn afraid of this world and it's impact on my beautiful children. I worry about my parents, my family, my husband....I think about injustice and people who are hurting....I think, too much for my own good...I worry more than anyone should. Last night I was thinking about Shaima Alawadi and Trayvon Martin. It scares me that life can be taken so easily by hateful people and it seems so easy for some people to hate what they don't know. I'm sitting here in tears thinking about this society....and wishing I didn't have to think anymore...




“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” -George Bernard Shaw


 Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away, and that in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating beauty.
Martin Luther King, Jr

A change gonna come....

Yesterday we were walking into a gas station and someone screamed something inaudible from a passing vehicle, we walked into the station and this older man just stared at us as we got a drink and paid for our gas. My husband and I both quietly started singing Sam Cooke's "A Change Gonna Come."

I like to believe that a change is going to come. I'd like to believe my family, myself, my husband and my children won't be judged by the color of our skin, that children will no longer be killed for wearing a hoodie and looking "suspicious" , that people of all races will stop hurting others for their race, sexual preference, religion, or gender.... I want to believe a change is gonna come....but you know what....it's not.

Now don't get me wrong, we who choose to fight will make s difference and things will change....to an extent but I also believe there will always be those who are so filled with hate we cannot change them. It's a hard fact of life that I face everyday, sometimes a change isn't going to come....some people are always going to hate my family and there's nothing I can do to stop that.

This doesn't in anyway mean we should give up....Things do change with time and fight! I will always fight, I will always speak up and I will always stand up for what's right whether it's going to create change or not....We have to learn to help change where we can and forgive....forgive ourselves for those we cannot change....

the small stuff

Sometimes, like everyone, I let small stuff get me down. I worry about the fact someone looked at me wrong in the store, or how my clothes aren't as nice as the next persons, or  I worry that my kids don't have every luxury their peers might have. I worry. a. lot.
But then, I remember (nearly) three years ago when I had my pulmonary embolism and I was sure I was going to die. It felt like I was drowning and I just couldn't take in enough air to stay conscious. I kept coming in an out of consciousness. Do you know the ONE thing that crossed my mind, how sorry I was that I wasn't a better person to the people I love the most. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I didn't care about anything but letting those people, My family, my husband and my beautiful children know how much I love them and how I would take back any unkind word at that moment. Nothing else mattered but them as I lay on that cold tile floor. nothing but them and God.
When I get wrapped up in what we don't have, or who said what, or how angry the kids sometimes make me, I have to sit back and remember. If I was to die today what would matter? Nothing but LOVE. I want to spend the rest of my days loving the best that I can. Focus on the love and let the rest roll off my shoulders.
Coming near to death sure puts things into perspective but sometimes it's hard to bring yourself back to that place of raw emotion. That's where I want to live. Raw, open and Loving knowing each minute could be my last.

I love you Mom, Dad, Jeff, Jim, Jon....
I love you Antonio
I love you Zuka and Jamilah.....my heart and soul!!

Peace and Blessings~ Jennifer

love it