Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
Oh I, Oh I've
Done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right 


At this point in my life
I've done so many things wrong I don't know if I can do right
If you put your trust in me I hope I won't let you down
If you give me a chance I'll try


You see it's been a hard road the road I'm traveling on
And if I take your hand I might lead you down the path to ruin
I've had a hard life I'm just saying it so you'll understand
That right now, right now, I'm doing the best I can 
At this point in my life


At this point in my life
Although I've mostly walked in the shadows
I'm still searching for the light
Won't you put your faith in me
We both know that's what matters
If you give me a chance I'll try


You see I've been climbing stairs but mostly stumbling down
I've been reaching high always losing ground
You see I've been reaching high but always losing ground
You see I've conquered hills but I still have mountains to climb
And right now right now I'm doing the best I can
At this point in my life 


Before we take a step
Before we walk down that path
Before I make any promises
Before you have regrets
Before we talk commitment
Let me tell you of my past
All I've seen and all I've done
The things I'd like to forget 
At this point in my life


At this point in my life
I'd like to live as if only love mattered
As if redemption was in sight
As if the search to live honestly
Is all that anyone needs
No matter if you find it 


You see when I've touched the sky
The earth's gravity has pulled me down
But now I've reconciled that in this world
Birds and angels get the wings to fly
If you can believe in this heart of mine
If you can give it a try
Then I'll reach inside and find and give you
All the sweetness that I have
At this point in my life


At this point in my life

     I have thought about posting so many times in the past months but things were just too rough and really I didn't feel like pouring my heart out on here. Funny how we are often the quietest when going through the most or needing the most support....
     As a family we have been going through rough times and it seems like we can never catch a break. Antonio did get the job he has been wanting and seems to be doing well with his training. That's a blessing!
    Everyone is doing okay, swimming along.....trying to keep our heads above water. Though times are hard,  we are blessed to have one another and blessed to have family to support us.
    Zuka is starting 7th grade this year and Jamilah is going into 6th! Can't hardly believe it! They will both be in junior high and back in the same school. We did most of our school shopping and found GREAT deals at old navy if anyone is looking for a place for $5 t-shirts and $10 jeans. We also hit up Citi Trends, Aeropostale, and JimmyJazz and got awesome deals. We saved a few hundred dollars shopping around and shopping deals. YAY!
     I am happy for the kids to be heading back to school, it will be good for them to get back into sports and activities! It will be good for me to not be stuck at home with two preteens all day...ha ha. They seem to be getting on each others nerves and I bet they will be glad to get back to school.

Well nothing exciting to say, just a quick update, letting ya'll know we're still here!


Blessings!
   

I'm here, just swimming along and trying to keep my head above water. I'm learning one day at a time how to deal with life as it is and not how I thought it would be or wish it would be. I don't have to tell anyone because you already know it but man Life is Hard!! I couldn't make it through without a supportive family like mine, my husband has been so uplifting and my parents have been there with constant support and phone calls. Friends have been grea with prayers and messages! Thank you all!
It hurt me a lot that some people I reached out to, on my own family were not there for us but I'm not even going to sweat it, I guess everyone is dealing with their own situations, I just know if someone I love was going through some trying times like these I'd be there in a minute. Like I said though, no worries I'm not going to hold grudges and right now I don't even have the emotion left to be angry.
Right now I just need to take it easy, live gently..... be loving and be there for the ones who need me the most.

struggling

I feel like I can barely move, like my arms and legs are trying to work their way through mud...ehhh we've just had so many struggles and they're building up on my shoulders until I feel immobile. I just want to shake this but it feels like quick sand the more I struggle the deeper I fall....

being strong

random thoughts going through my head....People always talk about staying strong when there are times of trouble....or say what a strong person you are for making it through....what else can I do? It's like I've been dropped off in the deep and I'm just swimming and swimming there's no other choice If I had one it wouldn't be to remain strong....I'd relax...but if I relax now I'll drown...I just keep swimming along.

next subject....
you never know what someone is going through inside so you must always be aware...even the people closest to you can be going through inner turmoil and it can easily be overlooked, believe me! LISTEN to what people are saying and the meaning behind what they are saying. Try hard not to give pat answers like, " oh cheer up" or a laundry list of other things not to say to a hurting person....

What to say:
You’re not alone in this.

What NOT to say:
There’s always someone worse off than you are.
What to say:
You are important to me.

What NOT to say:
No one ever said that life was fair.

What to say:
Do you want a hug?

What NOT to say:
Stop feeling sorry for yourself.

What to say:
You are not going crazy.

What NOT to say:
So you’re depressed. Aren’t you always?
What to say:We are not on this earth to see through one another, but to see one another through.

What NOT to say:
Try not to be so depressed.
What to say:When all this is over, I’ll still be here and so will you.

What NOT to say:
It’s your own fault.
What to say:I can’t really understand what you are feeling, but I can offer my compassion.

What NOT to say:
Believe me, I know how you feel. I was depressed once for several days.
What to say:I’m not going to leave you or abandon you.

What NOT to say:
I think your depression is a way of punishing us.
What to say:
I love you. (Say this only if you mean it.)

What NOT to say:
Haven’t you grown tired of all this “me, me, me” stuff yet?
What to say:I’m sorry that you’re in so much pain. I am not going to leave you. I am going to take care of myself, so you don’t need to worry that your pain might hurt me.

What NOT to say:
Have you tried chamomile tea?
Just some ideas from health.com of what to say and what NOT to say to a depressed person.

Seek help....take all theats of suicide seriously!!! do not claim to know when it's "just for attention"

Love one another!!

Blessings~ Jennifer

Life

My personal drama and relationship issues have taken a back burner to a very tough issue that has arrived. I'm not going to publicly discuss this very personal issue....it's really broken my heart....I realized what matters and realized most shit really doesn't matter. I'm tired of holding back and putting up and online front of who I really am. I am a human being, I'm sarcastic, I cuss, I make mistakes and I hurt....right now I hurt like hell.
Part of me wants to be a "good" person and say and do the right things and part of me just wants to yell and scream and say this isn't f*cking fair!!!

Love dare day 8

Ok so the days might not be adding up right, we skipped a day then we did a couple days in one day lol so I think we're around day 8. Yesterday we made 2 lists,one positive things about our spouse and the other negative things....tonight we are supposed to burn the negative list. We're working the steps slowly and spending time together reading each night.

Tony has been very sweet, he has been opening my car door for me, and being extra sweet....I know he is trying hard to repair our relationship....When we started this Love Dare I didn't think I was in Love with Antonio anymore...I wanted to love him and forgive him I just didn't know how. It's only been a few days and I can see a big change in our relationship but I also see a big change in my heart. I love him, mistakes, flaws and all...and I know he loves me just the imperfect way I am!

I know some skeptics would probably say that things haven't really changed that this is just a "honey moon" period after a big rift in our relationship....time will tell. I feel like I have changed and I really feel like he is trying his hardest, what more can I ask for right now?

I'm excited about going on a date with Antonio tomorrow... I'll let you know how it goes!

Blessings~ Jennifer

Love Dare Day 2

Today's Dare was to say nothing negative and to do something nice for your partner. I was not able to say EVERYTHING positive today though I did try. Antonio has been opening the car door for me, has been showing me a little more attention and has been trying....We both said small negative things to each other today but nothing serious. I bought him dinner tonight as my "do something nice" and he seemed to appreciate it.

I was accused of sharing too much online today and yes I probably am sharing too much but that's where I am right now. I am documenting our journey and maybe it will help someone else's marriage or at least let someone know, "hey you're not the only one going through this." It's funny how we are also so happy to share everything positive but no one wants to hear the dirt, like you can share all about anything as long as it's not the REAL mess you're going through. It makes me feel sometimes like I am the only person who's marriage has been to hell and back. Why are people so scared to share the truth? Well I'm not. I am not perfect, he's not perfect and welcome to our imperfect marriage!! lol
We are trying though, what more can you ask of us?

Mom shared this today!

Love Dare day #1

The Love Dare is a book that uses biblical principles to repair relationships. The book says that even relationships hanging by a thread (MINE!!) can be repaired if we follow the principles. There is 40 days in the book, each day bringing a new dare. Day 1 the dare was to say nothing negative to your spouse. Well, you can imagine giving all of my anger how difficult is was to say nothing negative but I did pretty good until after noon where I had a major melt down, told my husband all of this junk is all his fault and ended up face down bawling with my head in my pillow and praying for God to just take it all away.
NO....the issue with my husband is not the only major issue I have going on right now but I do keep some things private and I have another couple of things I am struggling with. Something told me to get up and look up "what to do when you feel like giving up."  I googled that  very thing and found a story from the bible which I found interesting but the thing that kinda blew my mind was that page had the poem I read at my graduation at the bottom. I picked myself back up and decided to move on......
My spouse seemed to have an easy time and pretty much said nothing negative all day....It wasn't that easy for me....we'll see how day #2 goes.

what a mess!

If you're a friend of mine or a facebook friend you know I have been going through some difficulty lately in my relationship with my husband. He messed up big time, flirting with this woman and acting inappropriately, she then in turn threatened my family and our well being. I was heartborken for a minute but then I was just raging mad. I listened to all these songs about cheating, spoke with friends about what had happened, cried and mostly felt a lot of embarassement. I mean, why is it that I can't have a completely faithful man who loves and supports me? Why am I stupid enough to stay when someone betrays my trust. YES this is not the first time and incident has happened involving another women and though both times no actual sex was involved there was enough in my mind to constitute cheating.
So what now?
I have people telling me to just leave, and others saying to forgive him and stay, stay for the sake of marriage, stay for the kids, stay....but my heart is feeling very torn and I'm left confused. I don't want to be a stupid woman who puts up with stupid shit. I am too strong to be brought back down to that place. I put up with abuse from my childrens dad too long and became too strong after to ever be treated for less than I am.
My kids really want me to stay, which makes me feel really bad about leaving....My husband has asked me to give him one more chance, asking if we can go to counseling or a pastor and talk and start again. 
I'll be honest with my husband and honest with you right now, I do not feel the same way about him, I don't feel like I am in love with him and I can't promise that giving him a chance will change anything but I agreed to take the LOVE DARE and speak with our pastor. If things haven't changed for me...for us in 40 days, I have to seriously reconsider leaving.

If you are wondering why I am telling all my personal drama it is for Two reasons. #1 I need to vent and this is where I vent on my blog, if you don't like it or think I share too much, don't read it! #2 maybe my journey will help someone else who is going through the same mess....

My next entries will be about the LOVE DARE and that journey....


Peace and Blessings ~ Jennifer

I wish I was one of those people who just didn't think ....lol... someone's who's biggest worry is a chip in their nail polish. No, but really....Last night was another night of too much thought and too little sleep. I hate the fact that I have to sedate myself to get any real sleep. I lay awake and worry, I'm so damn afraid of this world and it's impact on my beautiful children. I worry about my parents, my family, my husband....I think about injustice and people who are hurting....I think, too much for my own good...I worry more than anyone should. Last night I was thinking about Shaima Alawadi and Trayvon Martin. It scares me that life can be taken so easily by hateful people and it seems so easy for some people to hate what they don't know. I'm sitting here in tears thinking about this society....and wishing I didn't have to think anymore...




“The reasonable man adapts himself to the world; the unreasonable one persists in trying to adapt the world to himself. Therefore, all progress depends on the unreasonable man.” -George Bernard Shaw


 Let us all hope that the dark clouds of racial prejudice will soon pass away, and that in some not too distant tomorrow the radiant stars of love and brotherhood will shine over our great nation with all their scintillating beauty.
Martin Luther King, Jr

A change gonna come....

Yesterday we were walking into a gas station and someone screamed something inaudible from a passing vehicle, we walked into the station and this older man just stared at us as we got a drink and paid for our gas. My husband and I both quietly started singing Sam Cooke's "A Change Gonna Come."

I like to believe that a change is going to come. I'd like to believe my family, myself, my husband and my children won't be judged by the color of our skin, that children will no longer be killed for wearing a hoodie and looking "suspicious" , that people of all races will stop hurting others for their race, sexual preference, religion, or gender.... I want to believe a change is gonna come....but you know what....it's not.

Now don't get me wrong, we who choose to fight will make s difference and things will change....to an extent but I also believe there will always be those who are so filled with hate we cannot change them. It's a hard fact of life that I face everyday, sometimes a change isn't going to come....some people are always going to hate my family and there's nothing I can do to stop that.

This doesn't in anyway mean we should give up....Things do change with time and fight! I will always fight, I will always speak up and I will always stand up for what's right whether it's going to create change or not....We have to learn to help change where we can and forgive....forgive ourselves for those we cannot change....

the small stuff

Sometimes, like everyone, I let small stuff get me down. I worry about the fact someone looked at me wrong in the store, or how my clothes aren't as nice as the next persons, or  I worry that my kids don't have every luxury their peers might have. I worry. a. lot.
But then, I remember (nearly) three years ago when I had my pulmonary embolism and I was sure I was going to die. It felt like I was drowning and I just couldn't take in enough air to stay conscious. I kept coming in an out of consciousness. Do you know the ONE thing that crossed my mind, how sorry I was that I wasn't a better person to the people I love the most. I kept saying "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry" I didn't care about anything but letting those people, My family, my husband and my beautiful children know how much I love them and how I would take back any unkind word at that moment. Nothing else mattered but them as I lay on that cold tile floor. nothing but them and God.
When I get wrapped up in what we don't have, or who said what, or how angry the kids sometimes make me, I have to sit back and remember. If I was to die today what would matter? Nothing but LOVE. I want to spend the rest of my days loving the best that I can. Focus on the love and let the rest roll off my shoulders.
Coming near to death sure puts things into perspective but sometimes it's hard to bring yourself back to that place of raw emotion. That's where I want to live. Raw, open and Loving knowing each minute could be my last.

I love you Mom, Dad, Jeff, Jim, Jon....
I love you Antonio
I love you Zuka and Jamilah.....my heart and soul!!

Peace and Blessings~ Jennifer

love it

Interracial Family Organization Forum

I remember back before the Interracial Family Organization was created my only support with the unique issues interracial families face was a few friends online. I remember feeling very lost when it came to issues I had never before dealt with. I was suddenly faced with racism and questions I never had been asked, and my children has issues around race I just didn't know how to deal with. I went to the multicultural center at the university I attended and the facilitator there said the following to me, "I am sorry that having children on color cuts away at your white privilege." Wow, I didn't know what to say, like I had no right to complain because I haven't dealt with racism all my life? I felt really alone.

I was called a "N*gger Lover", told by some man at Walmart, "your mother must be so proud of you with those little halfbreeds." A woman at Kmart even pulled my (then) 2 year old daughter's natural hair and laughed saying, "this can't be real!"  We have been bombarded with questions like, "Did you adopt your kids," "Where are they from?" I was even told by a long term friend that the issues we face are my fault because I chose to have biracial children.

Yes, I had supportive people in my life, but there was no one who really understood the unique issues we faced as an interracial family. When Kat Robertson and Laura Stillman got together and asked if I wanted to be a part in founding and organization for families like our I was excited! Suddenly there was this group of people who understood, who had been through situations similar to mine. They too had been hurt by words of biased people. Some had issues with caring for a child's skin and hair that was different than their own, some had dealt with racism, the questions, the stares. Thank God there was finally a place where we could come and support one another. The Interracial Family Organization was born.

We welcome you to join us! Come share words of support, encouragement, share your story...and just chat with others who know where you're coming from!

http://interracialfamily.org/network/

See ya there!

Blessings ~ Jennifer

Update 2012

It's been so long since I blogged. I have decided that I have taken enough time off and I need to start blogging and keeping my hair site up to date. Nothing deep, just an update on the family today! :)

so what's new?

Hubby got a job in corrections and had to cut off his long locks. It was very difficult for him and took awhile for all of us to get used to. I used to love playing with his twists and trying new styles in his hair. I have to say his new style is soooo much less time consuming though! Congrats on the new Job Hubby!!!

Zuka is wrestling now which takes up most of his time when he's not in school. He's doing well and I am super proud of him with sticking to something and taking it seriously. He plans to stay with wrestling throughout his time in school. It has been great for his body, he has lost weight and gained so much more physical energy. Go Zuka!

Jamilah is doing well, school is good and her teacher says she is so sweet and a pleasure to have in class. I love to hear that!!! She has been working on her art projects and making t-shirts. She has become quite the little organizer and is a huge help at home!

ME! I am excited that my parents will be visiting from Maine this week! YAY! I miss them so much and can't wait to see them.

I just discovered Pinterest (www.pintress.com) and am having fun posting all my favorite stuff!

I just got a new computer and am excited about making hair videos and having the family make all the funny skits they have been planning. I also want to get back into all the blogging I used to do and like I mentioned before I want to create new hair designs and try new products to blog about.

I have left some very dramatic friends behind and met some new very nice people who I can see being great friends of ours! I'm starting 2012 drama free and loving it!

Love and Blessings! ~ Jenn

I am very sad to say that my puppy, Bear passed away. He seemed fine but apparently we missed the signs of a bad worm infection. We were worming him every two weeks as recommended for puppies but unfortunately the wormer we bought only treated one type of worm. I went out to play with my puppy and he could barely stand, his back legs were nearly paralyzed and he just kept falling over. I ran to the feed supply store after searching on the internet for the cure. We bought garlic, pedialyte and wormer I ran home and spent hours trying to spray tiny bits of pedialyte down my puppy's throat and make him really comfortable. He seemed to be doing a little better, lifting up his head when my husband came out.....so we all went in for dinner, when we came out he had passed on. The whole family was so sad.

We decided that after the really bad time we have had with animals that we would wait before getting another pet but Zuka was very upset by that decision and begged for another puppy for his birthday. We ended up getting a RED Australian Cattle Dog. He named her foxy because she kinda looks like a little fox. She's super smart....in fact she learned 3 commands today, sit, down and shake. I like her....but I still really miss bear :)

 

Pets update :)

After losing our puppy ,Ziggy, the family has been a little down. After a couple weeks I decided it was time to introduce a new baby to the family. Yesterday we added a little grey kitten named Deena.

This is out cat DASH (they look soooo much alike)

And our Puppy Love, Bear! He is a rot/lab mix :)

That's our little pet family right now. They all get along great!!! We love them!!

Live ya Life!

 I'm not trying to start any drama with this post but I am tired of whoever reads my blogs and facebook posts and feels the need to report what I write to certain people. I know what I write is public and it's fine to share but when you are changing my words and twisting what I am saying it becomes a problem.  I have enough things going on in my life and I don't need to get flack about what I am supposedly writing online. Yeah, I put a lot out there but there is sooooo much I don't write and I really feel like I do a good job not putting other people's business out there. I do, however, put my business out there but, I am an adult and that's what I choose to do. If you're not down with that please do as Rihanna recommends and LIVE YOUR LIFE.....and don't worry about me!! :)


Blessings ~ Jenn